This is the legacy of the government and corporations.

This is what they're willing to stoop to:

When are we going to give those motherfuckers what for?

This is it, folks.

I know I haven't written in a while.

I've been busy working at my internship (which could soon be morphing into a real job, fingers crossed). But I felt compelled to write today, because of two stories in the news. The first is about how the very stealthy and not-well-publicized crackdowns on Occupy Wall Street were being coordinated by the FBI and the DHS.

The second is about how the government is apparently ganging up on the opponents of the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) by stacking the hearings with a 5 to 1 ratio of pro-SOPA speakers vs. anti-SOPA speakers. The government apparently is so afraid of people hearing how profoundly retarded their arguments are that they're turning up the volume to drown out dissenters.

People, this is it. This is the flash-point.

Call me crazy, but I feel like this historical node is where we stop the downward spiral into a very cleverly disguised police state, or where we forever resign ourselves to being ruled, subjugated, and shat upon by the rich and powerful of the planet.

There are two things we need to do right now: we need to fight back. And, whether we succeed or fail, we need to remember.

What do I mean by "remember"? Well, the wonderful thing about this era is that we have access to more information technology than ever before. We are more capable of recording events, opinions, facts, and data than any civilization in history.

So whether or not we fail to stem the hungry, stirring police state still in its infancy, we must remember exactly what sequence of events brought us to this point, so that we may avert that sequence and like ones for all time. It started with 9/11, I think. Or at least this recent stage was catalyzed by it. It drove people to seek comfort, made them crazy with paranoia. They gladly gave up rights and freedoms, gave up even watching their governments if it meant being able to sleep soundly. It was like Watergate had never happened, and we forgot how terribly corrupt a government (by its definition, formed from people who seek power) can be.

And there were those that cried, "They will come for us one day! Today it's the Muslims, but we'd better keep in line!" People equate Obama and Bush with Hitler, but the truth of the matter is, Hitler was a stooge. It was the apparatus he created for policing and subjugating his population that was his true genius. "When they came for the Muslims, I said nothing, for I was not a Muslim." And so on. They were content to keep up appearances by harassing "terrorists", but the second we stepped out of line, we became "terrorists" too. The second we threatened to upset the wealthy's control on this country, the gloves came off like that. So at least we know we're doing something right, which is nice.

But we need to remember...we need to burn every second into our memories, every promise the government made that these laws were for our "safety", every twist and distortion of the Occupy message by a media clenched in the iron fist of business. We need to remember every lie, and every truth. So that if we succeed, we will know how not to let it happen again. And if we fail, our children and our children's children will know what it was like to live, if not free, than more free. And they will know the path back to those days, so that they may rise up forever, never ceasing to fight.

And that's number two on the list: fight. With words, with tweets, with fists, guns, grenades if needed. The problem is, those in power (and especially the police and law enforcement) at the end of the day speak one language: power. In the case of law enforcement, which is delightedly learning them commie pregnant women and veterans to protest peacefully, their entire existence is based on the threat or exercise of violence: violence against the body (guns, billy clubs) and against the very nature of the human soul (incarceration, degradation).

So at the end of the day, violence is really the only language they understand. Let's be honest, the job attracts sociopaths. If you put out a wanted ad: "Wanted--person to hold a position of power over everyone in the country; gets to order people around all day, threaten them with violence or imprisonment, only token lip-service to 'upholding the law' needed; fellow officers may cover for you even if you break the law and are a generally terrible person". What the hell kind of person do you THINK would go for that job?

Now, it has to be said, although I love a good fight, I really wish it doesn't come down to violence. But if we sit back and let them put veterans in comas and mace people who are peacefully protesting in designated zones, we will be teaching them only that they can ram their fucking dick down our throats and we will do nothing but sit there and whimper as they thrust.

Instead, we need to bite off that dick.

I've heard of OWS protesters arming themselves. I don't like it, but it may be necessary. Those in power will always try to rewrite history, especially if it proves them wrong. So, though Jefferson said that dissent is the highest form of patriotism, expect that message to be corrupted, forgotten, or re-purposed in the coming struggle. Ironically, as butthurt as the Tea Party was about Obama taking their guns, it may be the very government apparatus they wanted from the Patriot Act that take them away, lest they actually get up the courage to strike back against an increasingly totalitarian government.

It doesn't help that we still have more to lose than almost any other country. That makes everyone less eager to take chances, to risk their lives or their livelihoods. But we don't want to stand around hesitating until we're holding a nation-wide reenactment of 1984. We want to arrest the downward spiral now. If that means debate and legal redress, thank God. But if that means fighting in the streets...if a little blood shed now will prevent a reign of blood and tears later...

...then lock and load. And may God have mercy on us all.

The Rock is Fred Flintstone.

Your argument is invalid.

WHAT IN THE BLUE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING WITH THE ROCK'S FRUITY PEBBLES-

Fokker? I 'ardly KNOW her!

If you've ever wanted to pretend that your motorcycle is actually a transforming fighter jet (DON'T YOU LIE TO ME), this helmet is for you:

Make-believe that you're a kid's first experience with traumatic main character death and buy this helmet at HLJ today!

Sorry it's been a while, folks...

I got a real person job!

And it's been...interesting.

But now I'm back and writing again, and since today is Halloween, I thought I'd introduce you guys to what I think is one of the scariest websites on the Internet, maybe one of the scariest things in human media. That is The SCP Foundation.

Websites like this are what make the Internet such a weird, wondrous, transcendent thing. It's essentially a Wiki that details the attempts of a fictional organization to Secure, Contain, and Protect a variety of creatures, artifacts, ideas, and locations that range from hilarious, cheeky, and fun to nightmarish, disturbing, and madness-inflicting.

We should really stop calling ourselves "America".

We wouldn't even recognize our face in the mirror nowadays.


It's been heading that way for a long time...first the Cold War turned us into basically the equal in many ways of the very "evil empire" we were purporting to fight.


Then came 9/11...and the terrorists won. How did they win?


Well, first of all, just read this article. 

News article: "Fax Spam Now Illegal"

Linked here.

The bill outlawing "wireless telegraph" spam and the amendment banning "Using the Marconi while driving your horseless carriage" are currently pending.

You don't understand...

...this is the coolest thing that's ever happened:

Steve Jobs, Schmeve Schmobs. This is fucking Iron Man technology right here.

Whenever I see just really, ridiculously awesome and wondrous stuff like this, stuff that is clearly just for the exuberant, undending love of invention, it makes me wonder what the hell some people have against science. Especially in movies. Everyone's always like, "WHY WOULD YOU GENETICALLY ENGINEER" or "YOU MADE A ROBOT, YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE PLAYED GOD" but no one's ever mad that they get a new iPad this quarter.

This Movie's Underrated: "Star Trek V: The Final Frontier"

So, my roommate jokes constantly that I think every movie is underrated. This is not true. For example, I feel like the "rating" of Twilight is pretty much right on the dot, and even that might be overrated.

 Pretty much...hits the nail on the head.

But I think the miscommunication  is that when I say "underrated", that doesn't mean "great" or even "good". Indeed, an "underrated" movie may average out to "bad". But it may be more important than people realize, or have very specific redeeming qualities.

And nowhere is that more true than in the movie I've wanted to do in this column for a long time... Star Trek V: The Final Frontier.

 I swear to God...Paramount hired DARPA to develop the most awkward tagline 

that human nervous systems could make.

For Teh Lols

A big bucket of lols to drag you out of the Monday slump:

Did Someone Say...

...Spider-Man post?

Ladies...

Woof. I'm not gay, but...woof. This is one chiseled, beautiful chunk of man:

There's more at CraveOnline. And these pictures settle it: those shots of him in the suit were ALL HIM. Christopher Reeves, as brilliant as he was, wasn't exactly possessed of godlike physique. And Brandon Routh was adequate. But these pictures...that is a SUPERMAN.

For Teh Lols

I can bring 'em all day, baby.

Going with the Wall Street theme...

This article. A dramatic summary, for your pleasure:

Some years ago:

Government: "Hey, here's some money for banks."

Goldman, Morgan Stanley: "WHOOOA, there partner, we're banks! Right here."

Present day:

Government: "Hey, so we're not gonna allow banks to perform proprietary training with their own capital."

Goldman, Morgan Stanley: "WE ARE...DEFINITELY not a bank, come on, HAH. No."

I gotta say, it warms my heart to see rich, complacent people scared.

So far, that's the most enjoyment I've been getting out of the Occupy Wall Street movement. The problem I have with them is that they seem more like a wildfire: aimless, formless, frightening, though some good may come of it.

I think they are, like the Tea Party, primarily motivated by this nameless, formless outrage, although I personally think that their goals are far less full of derp. But the thing is, like the Tea Party, any hopes they have of achieving change will need to be met with the force and unity of spirit. The Tea Party had that, but its goals were effectively time-travel. No matter how hard they wanted to, they would not make the U.S. go back to the 18th century without serious societal change (read: apocalyptic breakdown). The Occupy movement, far from fighting the inertia of time, is fighting the inertia of entrenched power...they are fighting an enemy that is multifarious and creeping, that has made a life goal of infecting and permeating as many systems as possible.

But I believe it is an enemy that must be taken down to size, restrained. Like all bacteria, it can be good or bad, and right now, it's leaned towards "abusive". And that's why I'm posting this series of charts from the website Business Insider. It's a rather sobering and more importantly informative look at exactly what we're fighting for, and what stakes the combatants have.

Call of Duty: Raging Boners

I can practically hear war nerds poppin' em across the free world with the release of this trailer for Act of Valor:

Apparently, real Navy SEALS play the characters in this, and it all looks incredibly authentic. I predict that the shot of a SEAL in the water catching a guy to prevent his falling from making a sound will become an iconic image in the annals of cinematic war.

For Teh Lols

Another piping-hot tray of funny trawled up from the darkest depths of the Intersphere:

Surprise Butt Sex!

It happens.

Nothing quite warms my heart so much as a prudent and necessary moral served up in a hilarious way without condescension. Find more of these over at Comics Alliance.

Yo Dawg, I Herd You Liek Faces

This next post will take a little explaining for anyone who hasn't been on 4chan. If you've never been on 4chan, don't go on now. Seriously. Just stay away. Nothing good will come of it.

Now that you've most likely ignored my advice, you may have noticed a trend of reacting to threads or images by posting a humorous, weird, or terrifying picture of a face with the caption, "My face when" (or "MFW" for you kids out there).

Now, while I'd argue the purest form of MFW uses no captions, there are some pretty fucking funny ones all around, collected below for your enjoyment:

There are no words.

Just watch the video linked below. This story, and this kid, are simply incredible. How incredible? Shotgun blasts opened up his chest, almost tore off his arm, opened up his head, and he survived. Not only that, but he survived to finger the bastard who shot him.

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=627_1317932414

Mother Theresa is dead.

Wait...correction. Steve Jobs is dead.

You would be forgiven for thinking the former were true. Now before this blog post sinks totally into mean-spirited contrarian bullshit, let me make a few things clear.

Steve Jobs did more than almost anyone else in the past 20 years to change the way that the world looks at computers and consumer electronics. The effects he had on the industries of design, engineering, manufacturing, and even film and music will not be accurately comprehended for some time.

Now, notice I said "effects". Not "improvements". Fact is, Steve Jobs was a force of nature. But every force of nature has a good side and a bad side. Wildfires leave people homeless and charred, but they clear the forest so new trees can grow. Steve Jobs revolutionized the way we compute, even the way we interact. But as this article points out, this was at the cost of being a downright awful person half the time.

He verbally and one could argue emotionally abused his employees to get results...he vehemently denied fathering his first child, lying outright and saying he was sterile. And his company, running under his instructions and abiding by his own revolutionary business practices currently holds thousands of children and other innocents in its factories in China, where they toil in conditions not much better than human bondage. This is not even touching the other things the article charges Apple with, such as having a generally ruthless and Gestapo-like legal team.

I'm not trying to shit on Steve Jobs' memory. I'm not trying to simply spit in the face of such a flood of positivity. But I am sure as hell trying to make the memory everyone remembers the memory of what actually HAPPENED, not some romantic but utterly false saintly chronicle of his life and person. And any time somebody who influenced a lot of people dies, there's always the danger of that happening.

Steve Jobs was a person. A great person, a powerful person, a force for change in this world. But whether those changes are good or bad cannot be measured from one standing so close to this time. We will need the distance of years and perspective to accurately judge and appraise Jobs' legacy.

Don't Mind Me, I...

I just have...*sniff* some dirt in my eye:

"Soldier returns home from Iraq, surprises daughter at Boca school"

For Teh Lols

I've got a shit-ton of funny pictures on my hard drive, harvested from the darkest reaches of the Internet. 4chan, the blogosphere, and all the little nooks and crannies in between. I know every blog has some kind of "Regularly Posted Funny Pictures Assembled" post. But there are some real gems out there. So as an on-going feature, I'm gonna pick some of the fucking funniest every day or so and serve 'em up piping hot to you.

Let's be honest.

If aliens come...their theme music...will probably be Daft Punk.

My face when.

"Nancy Grace--Fart Fetish Group Vying for Video Rights"

Regarding Hot Girls...

I was perusing Caveman Circus the today. It's a consistently good source for fap-worthy pictures. But today, what caught my eye was the "Girl-Of-The-Day", as it were, a blond whose only given name was "Breezie Stardust", which sounds like a flavor of Downy detergent.

Anyway, I noticed that in several pictures, she seems to be very angry at the photographer. The reason I say that is she's flipping off the camera. In pictures where she's holding the camera, this can be very awkward.

Note to attractive women: giving the middle finger does not make you "cool", "edgy", "hot", or "a rebel". It's something little kids do by accident. First of all, you already have large, round tits, and so guys will think you're whatever you want them to think you are just with a few verbal suggestions. Don't try to look spunky by flipping off photographers.

Luckily, as I said, you are attractive. When guys do it, it's even worse. I could understand if Native Americans flipped off photographers, but all, repeat ALL gentlemen have no business giving the finger in your Facebook profile pic.

"THAT'S MY SOUL YOU'RE STEALING, ASSWIPE--"

Damn It Feels Good To Be A Curmudgeon...

Every once in a while, it feels real good to find something that's diabetically trite and "romantic" and sappy and just shit all over it. Cover the bastard. Just floods of ass-gravy. And it's even better when the end result is HILARIOUS (and really, with floods of ass-gravy, how could it not be?).

With that in mind, I present these pictures. A compilation of them can be found here at Caveman Circus, but really they're all around the Internet, and especially on 4chan. The originals are trite hipster faux-philosophy bullshit, and that's why I love these..."revisions". They brighten my day far more than the original posters would have.

This Movie's Underrated: "Outland"

Every once in a while, I have to look at America's movie-going public and shake my head, muttering, "This is why we can't have nice movies." It happens when I see them overwhelmingly supporting a movie that may well have been picked out of Satan's buttcrack (lookin' at you, Smurfs). But it also happens when an amazing, inventive, cool, or just plain unique movie comes along and it fades into obscurity because nobody sees or supports it.

Outland, directed by Peter Hyams, is one of those movies. It was released right around when Star Wars, Alien, and Blade Runner were ushering in a more naturalistic, gritty, grimy, used-future take on science fiction. Aesthetically, it's got the griminess and claustrophobia of Alien. But thematically is where Outland really builds on Blade Runner and Alien.

DO YOU NOT BELIEVE A MAN CAN FLY?!?

Ohhhh, Russell Crowe. First of all, totally forgot he was supposed to play Superman's father, Jor-El, in the upcoming Man of Steel.

Secondly, here are the first pictures of his costume! I actually really dig the whole "armor" look to it, and the textures and colors look pretty awesome while tying it into Superman's costume:

You Gotta Be "Putin" Me On!

AHhhhhhhHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH....oh...oh God. Someone kill me.

Puns aside, this article makes me simultaneously giddy, intrigued, and terrified. And it's hilarious. Basically, Vladimir Putin, for all intents and purposes the badass ex-KGB de facto king of Russia, wants to unite ex-Soviet states into a big "Eurasian Union".

Totally...totally not like that other Union you're thinking of. Totally not. Don't even say it.

Actually, it seems like so far he just wants to build an EU-style confederation between states that removes barriers to trade and handles economic and currency policy. Okay, so far so good. But Putin so far has not been the kind of guy to stop at halfway...or to let things like "the Russian Constitution" or "democratic ideals" tell him what to do.

I'm just hoping that if he does keep consolidating power into a massive union to oppose the West, we end up throwing down in an awesome way, like the Space Race, not in some stupid way, like over nuclear weapons. And I hope it doesn't give the GOP more opportunity to erroneously call things socialist.

Space Day!

That's right, folks. Today, the blog's gonna be all about space travel, and those who do it.

There's a couple reasons why I love space travel, both in real life and as depicted in science-fiction. I suppose the first reason is that it's just so damned COOL. Space travel is basically about telling gravity not only to go fuck itself, but to work for us while it's at it. How do we do that? By strapping as many fucking rockets as we can to the biggest fuel tanks in the world and putting a tin can full of guys at the top. The lightest fucking can you can build, because otherwise, your guys will crash back down with enough speed and force to give planet earth a hickey.

Space is just so awesome...it's the one environment with which humans absolutely, positively were not built to interact. But that's what I love about humanity: did we take the hint? Fuck no. We narrowed our eyes and nodded slightly: "Game on, universe..."

And that's why I love this article, too. On the one hand, it's been depressing watching the dreams of a generation die as the sinking economy, domestic crises, and science haters in Congress have worked to scuttle our government's space program.

On the other hand, it brings me unending joy to see private companies stepping up to the plate and picking up the slack. Not only is it the one place where I can see the sort of adventurous corporate pioneering spirit that is sorely lacking these days, but it's just so damn cool, like something out of a sci-fi novel. I'm reminded of the quote allegedly from Thomas Watson, former chairman of IBM in 1943: "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."

And when the Space Race started, no one could have imagined that scarcely 50 years later, private companies were working to send humanity there en masse, and to reach even beyond our orbit. We're heading into a new era where we don't need governments to do the big things anymore. Where we can strike out on our own power and spirit, setting the rules as we go for better or for worse.

Either way it turns out...whether it'll end up like Star Trek or more like Alien, it's a terribly exciting contemplation.

"To be dominated by me...is not as bad for human pride...as to be dominated by others of your species."

I fuckin' hate my computer. Not my current one, but the one I used to have. I got it freshman year. It was top of the line...to the extent that it was hot-rod red and had a shit-ton of RAM. But eventually... and by that, I mean "by sophomore year"...I came to hate it. And hate everything it stood for.

Speaking of computers...there's one movie and idea that have been preoccupying my thoughts the past couple of days. I'm sure very few of you have seen the 1960's movie, Colossus: The Forbin Project. A brief synopsis, before I get to the meat of this post: Colossus was adapted from a novel, written at the height of the Cold War. It's about a scientist who creates a fantastically advanced computer. The U.S. are desperate to avoid nuclear war, and so entrust this computer, named "Colossus", with preventing it, and they give Colossus control of the U.S.' nuclear arsenal. Problem is, Colossus detects an analogous computer called "Guardian" on the Russian side. Colossus, following its programming, determines that the best course to take in avoiding The Big One is to allow Guardian to link up and merge with it, thereby ensuring cooperation. Eventually, the new, amalgamated computer decides that the best course of action is to remove humans from all control for the future course of history.

"Tell the fans...you were RIIIIGHT..."

I've always thought of Stephen Spielberg as what George Lucas would have turned out to be had he not gone money-hungry and power-mad. Where George Lucas was introduced to the Wonderful World of Merchandising through Star Wars and his foresight to retain licensing rights, Spielberg never had a really huge cash-cow franchise to tempt him off the path of artistry and on to the path of Jar-Jar Binks.

It is not a path I would wish upon anyone.

Sure, Stephen Spielberg's had his missteps: Hook (FUCK YOU) and The Lost World: Jurassic Park come to mind. But after Raiders of the Lost Ark, or after Jurassic Park, he could have stayed content to direct schlock. While it must be said that he's no different than Lucas in terms of making shitstacks of money off the movies he's directed, he's never totally "sold out".

This...Is From Matilda...

Actually, THIS is from Enterbay toys, via Topless Robot:

I cannot express in words how cool it is that he comes with THE MILK. THE MILK!! 


PS, if you're reading this blog, and haven't seen Léon: The Professional, go out. Watch it. You'll thank me. Fun fact: the director of The Fifth Element made Léon while waiting for the special effects and post-production to finish on Element.

That's right. Léon? 

That was him fucking around.

*blows dust off* VHS? I thought it was a MYTH...

Hoo boy...you know, a lot of things have been happening lately that are conspiring to make me feel old. First of all, there's this:

It also occurs to me that I was born before the fall of the Berlin Wall, which might as well have been a hundred years ago.

But truly, nothing makes me feel older than looking at new technology and remembering the days of VHS and video stores...going in, picking one out, wearing that shit out watching it as many times as I could, then having to REWIND it before physically dropping it back off at the store.

Or remembering when a fucking 20 gigabyte hard drive seemed like more than enough...and when the fact that videogames had graphics in 3D was blowing our fragile gamer minds.

Hell, I remember the StarTAC. Anybody remember that one?

Later models included StarTAC: The NACxt Generation.

It just consistently amazes me how fast technology moves. And that brings me to this wicked-cool/wicked-old-feeling-making post from I Heart Chaos:

This Best Buy circular is like that treasure room at the end of National Treasure. You've vaguely heard of the stuff in here, but most of it is unrecognizable. And it all looks horribly dated now (the "Macarena!", mostly), but back then, this stuff was cutting edge (except for the "Macarena!").

I think the thing that surprises me most are the $2400 computers. Man, and people bitch about Apple NOW...

Space Bat: Never Forget

So, in coming across the article about the greatest rabbit hero of this age, I was reminded of another animal whose courage slipped the surly bonds of Earth and touched the face of God.

That animal...is Space Bat.

This is EXACTLY what he looked like.

NEVER FORGET.

This rabbit gave his life so that others might live. He is a hero, enshrined in the halls of Valhalla for all time. Munching...lettuce, I presume. I don't think rabbits drink mead.

(FOR DEMONSTRATIVE PURPOSES ONLY)

The Shat Lays It Down: Or, How I Learned To Stop Fighting Over Star Trek and Star Wars and Love...One of Them

Ohhh, William Shatner. He tweeted this interview in which he explains that Star Trek was superior to Star Wars, listing, among other advantages, that Star Wars was "derivative" of Star Trek:

Now, I will say this: Star Wars is derivative of almost everything else (including, in the prequels, itself), but one thing it is NOT derivative of is Star Trek. I think people like to fight about these two because they're simply the two biggest kids on the sci-fi block. But it's like fighting about Ghostbusters vs. Back to the Future. Sure, they're arguably the two biggest sci-fi comedies of the 80's. But they cater to different sensibilities...different senses of humor, and exhibit different themes and styles of storytelling.

Similarly, I've always felt that Star Trek and Star Wars are just built differently, for different people, and that fighting about which one is "better" is just silly. Star Trek might have come first, but Star Wars is no less valid for coming later, and Star Trek is no less influential, despite being sometimes overshadowed by Star Wars' influence on the movie industry.

For me, the thing that allows me to separate the two and my love (or passive-aggressive longing for earlier iterations) for them is that they're really not in the same genre at all. Star Trek is science fiction, and Star Wars is science fantasy.

More Facebook Changes!

God. He's gone too far this time. Zuckerberg's like Stalin, revising Facebook, not telling anyone, then acting as if nothing's changed. What is the latest unparalleled atrocity?

I guess he's doing some kind of augmented reality deal, but these new "like" and "dislike" buttons just strike me as completely cumbersome and impossible to use:

I mean, REALLY. How does he expect us to use this without, ONE, getting ink all over our computers, and TWO, without mucking up the real world in blue ink!? Granted, our ability to "like" is no longer limited to things on the interwebs. I'll give him that. But it just seems like it's asking for mad "liking" sprees across the face of reality. 

And "disliking" things IRL? You'd better hope that ink isn't permanent...it would be like some kind of 21st-century Scarlet Letter. "Disliked" once, and EVERYONE can still see the fateful letters splayed across your skin...or your business...or your dog.

Anyway, I guess now that I think about it, it has some benefits, but I just really liked the previous Facebook iteration more. Call me old-fashioned. 

But let's just thank our lucky stars that these "like" and "dislike" stamps are the only new Facebook changes. Because otherwise, there would be HELL TO PAY. I would definitely use one of these stamps to DISlike it. Actually...now that I'm thinking about it, they're sounding better and better...

Just A Neat Little Doodad...

Mash-ups, man. I don't know what it is about this time period, but we're full of them. The good ones are clever, or funny, or pay loving homage, but the BEST ones transcend the original source materials into something new and wondrous. Something you never thought would happen, but you're so glad it did.

That's why I love this hhhhuuuuge remix of 39 different songs by Madeon. It shouldn't work. It should be a train wreck, if the trains were full of live chickens and fireworks. But its not...it's just awesome. Check it out:

The award for News Story Most Like a Porn Set-Up goes to...

Man, you gotta love it when freaky-deaky sex stuff comes out and mainstream news has to find the politest way to put it.

It's a gangbang. With one cheerleader and 6 football players. Man...fuck your pom-pom shit...just give 'em a gangbang and they'll be RARIN' TO GO for the big game.

And apparently it was entirely consensual. Which means either that girl is a fuckin' FREEEEAK or she's lying out of fear of the football players. Either way, I'm not sure if this news story is arousing or just hilarious...

But one thing that isn't either is the fact that the school's administration made the team forfeit that week's game. It gives me tremendous delight to imagine stuffy, small-town bureaucrats thinking: "Hhhuhhnnh, that'll teach those boys to fill up every hole she had! And she still probably had a dick in each hand to boot!"

Part of me wants to say that this situation is simply too freaky to get angry about. Part of me is angry that despite the sex being (I can't capitalize "allegedly" enough, so I won't try) consensual, the team was still punished for it.

And part of me wants to know just how the hell that girl is feeling.

Satiated, I'd like to think.

The Most Enlightening Show You're Not Watching

I've spoken before about my love for TV Tropes on this blog. It is The Abyss in every sense of the word...you gaze into it, and are lost for all of time. Seriously...hit "Random" once on that site and you're hooked.

But one of the more maddening tropes, that infects modern day Hollywood and media in general, is that Viewers Are Morons. It's a commonly held perception in Hollywood that one can never underestimate the intelligence of viewers, and certainly there's support for it if you look at the grosses of Michael Bay movies.

The top-grossing being, "Who Wants To Set Back Civil Rights 20 Years?"

Unfortunately, the idea that Viewers Are Morons is particularly prevalent in American media. And don't bloody pretend it isn't...I've read far to much IMDB trivia about the making of the movie, where executives went, "its a good movie, but what about TITS?" There are exceptions, but unfortunately, the higher-ups in entertainment tend to play the odds.

The Real Q

I stumbled across this very cool io9 article about a BBC short featuring Sean Connery introducing the guns of James Bond, which is here:

God. Man knew how to rock a suit.

Visual Viagra

That's this trailer for Indonesian action movie The Raid:

Every frame is like a fucking cluster fragmentation rocket grenade, exploding your eyes full of red-hot razor-sharp ACTION. This trailer gives guns ERECTIONS.

And I think it's about time we had a ball-busting, hole-fucking, rip-roaring hip-shooting old-fucking-school action movie to teach the current crop how it's done. Hint: REAL STUNTS.

SECOND HINT: GUN BONERS.

This Movie's Underrated: "Macgruber"

Because when I start a column of underrated movies, I don't fuck around.

MacGruber could easily be confused for a war crime. It's a Saturday Night Live movie, for example, and its humor is about as crass and offensive as you can get.

But it just might be the fucking funniest thing I have ever seen.

It's not for everyone, to be sure. It's a movie where the lead character comes up with "a little distraction" for some henchmen by shoving celery up his ass and strutting out naked in front of them making bird noises. Its humor is more 4chan than Blazing Saddles. But by God, I laughed harder at MacGruber than at any movie since Superbad. And (dare I say it?) I think it's actually smarter than most people give it credit for.

Just...go with me on that one.

It's Shockin' Time!

So, as an edit to my recent post on the sexual habits of pirate Rangers, I have to point out that he is not doing The Shocker as I originally feared/hoped/realized. He is doing what I can only describe as The Sex Ender, because if you try putting two fingers in a girl's bum, you'll find your bed empty real fast.

Go-go Shocker Rangers!

So, I was perusing Hobby Link Japan, one of my favorite websites for Gundam models and other Japanese collectibles. Annnd I came across this figure, from the newest Japanese incarnation of Power Rangers (known as Super Sentai in Japan). The picture that displays with the figure reveals something rather shocking:

Did you spot it?

Hint: he's giving The Shocker. With his fingers. That's why I said "shocking". Up there, before I posted the picture. Alluding to-

Anyway, the series is apparently pirate-themed. And I like how Wikipedia says, "...and as the 35th anniversary series, the protagonists have access to the powers of the previous 34 Super Sentai teams." Like...fucking, of course they do. Why wouldn't they? All 35th incarnations of things do. 


Power Rangers plus pirates is a gold mine waiting to be unearthed. Just gonna put this out there, though, I would totally watch a Power Rangers porn parody where they could only defeat villains with liberal application of The Shocker.

Hustler! You heard it here first.

WHARGARBL 2: The GARBLing

So, you may have read my post on the internet flamewar around Superman's undies.

Well, now we have a clearer picture of the outfit courtesy of the Man of Steel Facebook page.

Now, as you can imagine, the dreaded butthurt virus has so far raged unchecked. At the time of this writing, however, you can see various posters start to concede that costumes change over time, and it really isn't all that bad. Actually, I'll admit, I'm kind of in love with the new suit. It adds just enough detail and ribbing to look kind of alien and interesting, but keeps the classic color scheme and lines of the suit (except for the crimson pantaloons, of course). It doesn't look like a man in pajamas anymore...it looks like something an alien prince would wear, and that's awesome.

Also, may I say? I didn't think he looked like a good Superman as far as his face went in the first picture they released...but goddamn if the boy isn't the spitting image of the comic book Supes in these pictures. Now if only the story is up to snuff...

I Have The Weirdest Boner Right Now

As a heterosexual American white upper-middle-class male, I feel a pang of guilt for whole-heartedly endorsing any article that refutes a feminist's call for girls not to dress in slutty clothing.

But I swear to God, it's not what it looks like (that's what she said).

In truth, I find the article to be a sobering delegation of social responsibility. Let's face it, we all like to feel attractive to the sex we find attractive. Me, I like suits and tuxes. A lot of girls, they dress slutty. But it's all with the same aim.

Rather than condemning that solitary action, the article actually steps back and locks on to some of the real problem areas in the college social scene, and doesn't blame women's actions for their own treatment by males. Instead, it critiques the total control of men and fraternities with regards to social activities, and the fact that many women and fraternities are forced to simply "tag along".

All in all, a sobering, level-headed read; and in this day and age, over a topic as divisive as gender relations, that's as rare as a panda that wants to have sex.

MEN OF DESTINY: Addendum

So, as a sort-of-continuation of my post on Gundam themes, I'd like to note that in researching it, I somehow got  ZZ Gundam's "Anime Ja Nai" stuck permanently in my head. I'd like to call it an honorable mention, but I don't think that's quite correct. Anyway, here it is:

Stay classy, Bravo.

So, one of the Real Husbands of Beverly Hills committed suicide. Normally, I get a certain perverse satisfaction in seeing something actually "real" happen on a reality show. But this whole thing just stinks, especially since Bravo is apparently already shooting a special dedicated to the poor guy.

I'd like to say it's going to be tastefully handled...but I don't like to be wrong.

YA DUN GOUFED

In keeping with my Giant-Sized Gundam post today, here's a wonderful retelling of the Jessi Slaughter saga, as only Gundam can do it.

For information on the meme/video that inspired it, please consult Know Your Meme. Just be careful NOT TO GET BACKTRACED

MEN OF DESTINY: The Top 8 Gundam Themes

Because Gundam is fucking tits and so is its music.

If you've never seen any of the Gundam series, it's one of the most influential in the history of anime (and science fiction in general). It's essentially the Star Trek of Japan, and like Star Trek, most of the plots are the same. They go like this: a guy who's way too young... or inexperienced... or from space...accidentally or reluctantly becomes the pilot of a unique robot death machine, and starts turning the tide during an allegory for World War II.

Nazi's? Never...never heard of 'em. Why?

It's always been one of my favorite universes for its richness, scope, and diversity. Further, the franchise has consistently thrilled me with knock-down, drag-out giant robot action while also fleshing out the moral complexities of war. In particular, the original series in 1979 showed how there really are no "good guys" or "bad guys" in war, except at the top. The rest are grunts, just tryin' to get by.

Of course, all that philosophy is set amid giant fucking robots beating each other into scrap, and that juxtaposition is part of what makes Gundam series awesome. The other part is the KICK-ASS theme music. And it is to those that I devote this post, counting down from 8 to 1 my favorite theme songs from the Gundam universe. LET'S DO IT.

LOLOLOLOL

It's funny that the Daily Mail says Lady Gaga was performing "in drag" at the VMA's. Because SHE'S A MAN. SHE'S A MAN, SHE'S A MAN, SHE'S A MAN. SHE HAS A PENIS.

Whew.

Anyway.

Subtlety.

This poster has it.

This is a teaser poster for Captain America: The First Avenger made by Alex4everdn on DeviantArt. It's just so incredibly understated. Nowadays posters are all sparks and floating heads, but there's something so incredibly cool and tense about this poster. Not just because the men in the boat are about to storm the beachhead at Normandy: there is also tension between the realistic-looking but still flashy shield and the rough, ready men crowding the craft.

It's just such a fantastically simple and subtle idea for a poster, and I'm sorry Marvel didn't think about it. But you can bet your ass Alex4everdn did.

WHARGARBL

I think I'll just make that the title for posts like this from now on. You see, it is a time of great nerd rage on the internet. Superman's costume has been changed.

Again.

I'm sorry. You can stop now. It's over.

This is the coolest thing that will ever happen:

If you're a movie fan and don't follow the Behind the Scenes Pic of the Day on Aint It Cool News, you are doing yourself a tremendous disservice. But even worse than that, you would have missed what may be the most badass image ever captured by a mortal.

Lemme break it down.

Ya gotcher filming of Yojimbo in the background. Yojimbo is the movie that A Fistful of Dollars remade. It involves a samurai with medicine-balls for testicles strolling into town and single-handedly destroying two criminal empires by playing them off each other like the most magnificent bastard alive.

Now, that samurai is played by the immortal Toshiro Mifune. Chances are, if you've heard of only ONE Japanese actor, it was him. And there's good reason: not only is he very talented as an actor, but his characters are simply some of the pimpingest badasses ever to be filmed. In that way, he's a lot like Clint Eastwood, who played the analogue of Mifune's Yojimbo character in the "Man With No Name" trilogy.

 And they both have squinty eyes. Wait, OH GOD NO HOW DO I DELETE-

So you've got an iconic badass, an iconic movie. But that's not what makes this the raddest pic in the universe. No, Mifune couldn't be photographed doing something normal, like farting, or reading the script. Nope. They filmed him behind the wheel of his MG. Top down. In samurai garb.

Normally, that'd be enough to seal the deal. But what's on his dash? A mother-fucking shit-kicking SAMURAI SWORD.

Know what's on my dash? Dust.

And the best part? The look on his face looks like he's going to 7-11. Like he's off to kill a thousand men, but is totally bored at the prospect. He hangs up the phone and says to the director, "Shit. Well...I'll be back." And just tosses his sword on the dash like it's his fucking Blackberry.

Christ...this fucking guy, man.

In Soviet Russia...

...corruption ends mayor!

Double Standards

Check 'em.

It's almost a damn joke. A Baltimore cop who shoots an unarmed man while off duty, KILLING HIM, gets 15 years in prison.

Meanwhile, a guy in Baltimore who shoots at police officers, NOT HITTING THEM, mind you, gets 5 consecutive life sentences, 6 concurrent life sentences, 80 years consecutive and 38 years concurrent, with no chance of parole for 65 years.

Shootin' at cops is bad, m'kay? But it doesn't make you Hitler Mk. II, and that (or remaking Casablanca) is the only thing I would consider worthy of 11 LIFE SENTENCES and 118 more years after that.

It's gotta be a joke. Our reality must be part of some satirical work, because there's no way that's actually a thing. I refuse to believe our justice system is that insane.