At the behest of my good friend Carrie, I've been encouraged to begin contributing to this blog again. Suffice it to say, if you've been a huge CAFJ fan, this is also for you.
As for where I've been the past couple months, let's just say that my real-person job has rapidly become a quagmire of 'Nam proportions, but that an end is in sight. In any case, I feel like I owe you all a couple laughs to make up for my long absence, and before I can really buckle down and hammer out some good articles. So without further ado, I present Real Kenny Rogers Quotes. For best results, imagine Will Sasso as Kenny Rogers reading them:
"A GELATTO IS WHEN CHOCOLATE JELLO AND VANILLA JELLO HAVE A BABY."
"The Easter Bunny ain't real, but tooth fairies sure as hell are. And by "tooth fairies", I mean "burglars".
"Pandas don't like fucking, or something. For more, read my book, 'Hell's Wrong With Pandas?' by Kenny Rogers."
"Of course, the danger of flying upside down is, the wings have the opposite effect and you start tunneling into the earth."
"How about I fuck your mother? Then we'll see who's the dumb bastard."
"If you ever get a narwhal and a platypus next to each other, it's weird; all they do is look at each other and nod."
"Hunting people? I thought the most dangerous game was playing tennis with dynamite and a racket taped to your dick."
"Remember kids, reading is like a drug, in that it makes you feel great."
"Parka. I don't know, something about that word just pisses me off. Parka."
"If you're gonna bop bunnies on the head, you GOTTA do it the first time, otherwise, they adapt."
"If honey is bee's poop, and we eat honey, maybe there's some animal living in the sewers that eats our poop. Maybe it built them, for better poop delivery."
