I'm going to make this short and sweet.
Grown-Ups 2
beat Pacific Rim at
the box office. If you are a human, thinking, feeling agent...and you
decided to see Adam Sandler Pads The Budget For Another
Fartapalooza To Prop Up His Desperate Hack SNL Buddies' Drug Habits
And Egos 2 instead of seeing
literally the most fun I've had at the movies since I was a child, a
product of love, a revolutionary and iconic piece of production
design, not to mention the most heart I've seen in a blockbuster
possibly in at least a decade, then the blood of cinema is on your
hands. It will never go away.
You
can wash, and you can wash, and you can make excuses. But they're
shit. There are no excuses for Grown-Ups 2.
Every summer, when another Lone Ranger
or Jack And Jill 2: Christ Just Slit My Throat Already
comes out, when another Transformers 2: Let's Set Back Some
Civil Rights makes hundreds of
millions at the box office, you will look at your hands and see the
stains. They're brown, by now...blood does that when it dries. You'll
use that to push it out of your mind...couldn't be blood! Blood's
red, and this isn't the same color anymore. But it is blood. Every
movie trip...every time Hollywood repackages a kids' cartoon or a
60's TV show; anytime they head to the Rights Graveyard and crack open
the coffin of anything, fucking ANYTHING that they recognize, you
will stare at your hands and see the rusty streaks from when you walked up
behind cinema and stabbed it through the back, between the ribs. It
tried to cry out, you see...but it can't. You collapsed its lung. And
the blood, it just flowed and flowed and flowed...you didn't think a
thing could bleed so much. But it could.
I
guess what I'm saying is, Adam Sandler is a hack, and possibly a war
criminal. Pacific Rim is
tits. It's everything I ever wanted out of it and more...I smiled
with an innocence, wonder, and giddiness I didn't know I still had.
My screening was at 5:30 on a Sunday and the entire theater still
cheered and applauded
multiple times. It deserves your time and your money. Grown-Ups
2, if it were a person, would
deserve a life-long and calamitous case of dysentery. The choice is
clear.
