WHARGARBL 3: GARBL WHAR With A Vengeance

It's been a while since I've done a WHARGARBL post, but I guess it's been a while since there's been a WHARGARBL on the internet so powerful and unjustified that I felt the need to address it. Until today. And I can hardly believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually ashamed of people on the internet right now.

I didn't think I could feel shame anymore for what people say or do on the internet...it's basically pointless. I mean, we're all at least conceptually aware of what Penny Arcade termed the Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory (G.I.F.T. for short). G.I.F.T. says that if you give a normal person anonymity and an audience, they turn into a cancerous fuckwad. It's why little boys on Xbox Live whose balls haven't even dropped feel confident in reminding me the number of times they've had prolonged sexual intercourse with various members of my family. It's practically a daily part of internet life. But a very special outbreak of butthurt and assholery is currently soaring through the internet today.

You may have heard the news that Ben Affleck is the new Batman. You may, if you have a rational brain that brains the way it's supposed to, have reacted with surprise, with measured skepticism, with curiosity.

The internet, on the other hand, flipped a shit so hard that the spinning shit is now a perpetual motion machine.

Almost instantly people cried out “CLOONEY”, “DAREDEVIL”, “BATNIPPLES”. Hashtags sprung up: #BetterBatmanThanBenAffleck. The entire collective consciousness of the internet was so repulsed by the thought of Ben Affleck putting on a costume that undoubtedly millions of manhours were lost making fun of and shitting on an actor who has done nothing but push himself creatively for the past decade.

I could cite precedent. I could remind people that Heath Ledger faced similar skepticism, but then won a mother. Fucking. Oscar. For a SUPERHERO MOVIE. I could point out that Michael Keaton was SOLELY known for comedy when he was cast, and peoples butts clenched in hurt then too. At least until he absolutely killed it as a Bruce Wayne a hair's breadth from psychopathy, keeping his demons at bay by punching things.

I could point out that Ben Affleck has spent the better part of 10 years proving that he's not the generically handsome, vaguely assholish disposable leading man we thought he was. That he's been making kick-ass films and acquitting himself quite well both behind the camera and in front of it.

But all that's for rational people. The troglodytes on Twitter posting pictures of pugs in Batman costumes with #BetterBatmanThanBenAffleck, they're being children. So I'm going to talk to them like children.

Shut. The fuck. Up.

Shut.

The fuck.

Up.

You crazed taintdevils haven't seen anything besides a logo. You know exactly 0.025% of what the movie will actual involve. You haven't even seen a fucking still yet. And still you're shitting all over a guy whose career got shot out from under him so he built a fucking tower made of awards to get back up to his previous heights.

If you think that there is absolutely ANY way that Warner Brothers would consciously or deliberately fuck this movie up...if you think that they would ALLOW anyone to consciously or deliberately fuck it up...then you're even dumber than I think you are. I guarantee there are guns held to executives' families' heads right now all across Burbank. Warner Brothers wants that Avengers moneh, and they would not take a chance on hiring someone like Affleck unless they knew what they were doing. And Affleck doesn't need the money now. He doesn't need the favors from Warner Brothers after delivering on the acclaim with Argo. He hasn't taken a role like this in years. So something's gotta be up. I'm guessing he wowed Warner Brothers, either with a great audition or a fresh, awesome take on the character.

What I'm saying is, I think this is just crazy enough to work. So all of you Twitter trolls, please just do existence a favor and save your butthurt for something that really deserves it. You shouldn't have to wait too long.

Mother...fuck.