My Reactions to Miley Cyrus' VMA Performance: A Pictorial Facsimile

I may or may not write a longer blog post discussing the reservations and various visceral reactions I had with Miley's performance regarding her appropriation of black culture, her performance's objectification of black women, and the various touchy areas regarding her sexuality and "slut-shaming". It will depend on whether I can be asked to devote any more emotion, care, or even the basic ATP needed to fire my neurons to think about Miley Cyrus.

For now, these are reaction images that sum up my feelings. If you'd told me a couple days ago that I would be seeing Miley Cyrus gyrate in underwear on stage at the VMA's, I probably woulda been like:

And then she came out from a Cyclops teddy bear in a leotard with the face of Chuck E. Cheese on it, sticking her tongue out like a strangled corpse.

And then suddenly, there's a bunch of teddy bears. And then, several black women come out with teddy bear backpacks.

But that isn't the end of the random black women Miley surrounds herself with. Suddenly, there's a what I can only describe as an Ass Fairy distributing treats on the other side of the stage. Like, a random black woman with a large, voluptuous bottom is just throwing out candy to the audience like an old person feeding pigeons at the park.

So there's that. It was like Pokemon. "A wild Ass Fairy appeared!" But then, Miley came over and the Ass Fairy started shaking her booty and Miley held it and pretended to lick it.

And she does her twerking thing, and what are apparently her fawning black groupies in teddy bear backpacks come over to pay tribute. And then she rips off her Chuck E. Cheese leotard with the soulless eyes to reveal skimpy underwear. Not even sure if want anymore.

Then Robin Thicke comes out. Thankfully, I haven't had "Blurred Lines" ruined for me by excessive radio play. Beetlejuice suit aside, just when I thought the performance might be going into Safe Mode, Miley suddenly has a foam finger, starts rubbing it on her crotch, and arching and contorting her body in a way that makes her look like the mayor of Uncanny Valley.

The gyrating continues. The presenting. The fingering. The tongue.

The Tongue.

THE TONGUE.

TI comes on with his own platoon of black women, and Pharrell appears to have usurped Miley's Black Squad. And then more women randomly appear and Robin Thicke is back and a painting and a boat are made of pinata and fuck and fuck and what and fuck

And then Miley comes back and her foam finger is her penis and I can't. I can't. I don't even know anymore.

I guess that's what my reaction to her performance mainly is. I have my criticisms on levels of race and feminism, but mostly I just thought it was a terrible performance, indescribably off-putting and uncomfortable, surreal and crass, random in a way that was off-putting like the new seasons of Family Guy.. It felt like Salvador Dali took acid, poured paint on his dick, and then tried to fuck your eyes. Beyond any intellectual objections, my criticism is simply that it made my brain cry. Cry and want to hug a puppy.

And thus the healing can begin.