The award for News Story Most Like a Porn Set-Up goes to...

Man, you gotta love it when freaky-deaky sex stuff comes out and mainstream news has to find the politest way to put it.

It's a gangbang. With one cheerleader and 6 football players. Man...fuck your pom-pom shit...just give 'em a gangbang and they'll be RARIN' TO GO for the big game.

And apparently it was entirely consensual. Which means either that girl is a fuckin' FREEEEAK or she's lying out of fear of the football players. Either way, I'm not sure if this news story is arousing or just hilarious...

But one thing that isn't either is the fact that the school's administration made the team forfeit that week's game. It gives me tremendous delight to imagine stuffy, small-town bureaucrats thinking: "Hhhuhhnnh, that'll teach those boys to fill up every hole she had! And she still probably had a dick in each hand to boot!"

Part of me wants to say that this situation is simply too freaky to get angry about. Part of me is angry that despite the sex being (I can't capitalize "allegedly" enough, so I won't try) consensual, the team was still punished for it.

And part of me wants to know just how the hell that girl is feeling.

Satiated, I'd like to think.

The Most Enlightening Show You're Not Watching

I've spoken before about my love for TV Tropes on this blog. It is The Abyss in every sense of the word...you gaze into it, and are lost for all of time. Seriously...hit "Random" once on that site and you're hooked.

But one of the more maddening tropes, that infects modern day Hollywood and media in general, is that Viewers Are Morons. It's a commonly held perception in Hollywood that one can never underestimate the intelligence of viewers, and certainly there's support for it if you look at the grosses of Michael Bay movies.

The top-grossing being, "Who Wants To Set Back Civil Rights 20 Years?"

Unfortunately, the idea that Viewers Are Morons is particularly prevalent in American media. And don't bloody pretend it isn't...I've read far to much IMDB trivia about the making of the movie, where executives went, "its a good movie, but what about TITS?" There are exceptions, but unfortunately, the higher-ups in entertainment tend to play the odds.

The Real Q

I stumbled across this very cool io9 article about a BBC short featuring Sean Connery introducing the guns of James Bond, which is here:

God. Man knew how to rock a suit.

Visual Viagra

That's this trailer for Indonesian action movie The Raid:

Every frame is like a fucking cluster fragmentation rocket grenade, exploding your eyes full of red-hot razor-sharp ACTION. This trailer gives guns ERECTIONS.

And I think it's about time we had a ball-busting, hole-fucking, rip-roaring hip-shooting old-fucking-school action movie to teach the current crop how it's done. Hint: REAL STUNTS.

SECOND HINT: GUN BONERS.

This Movie's Underrated: "Macgruber"

Because when I start a column of underrated movies, I don't fuck around.

MacGruber could easily be confused for a war crime. It's a Saturday Night Live movie, for example, and its humor is about as crass and offensive as you can get.

But it just might be the fucking funniest thing I have ever seen.

It's not for everyone, to be sure. It's a movie where the lead character comes up with "a little distraction" for some henchmen by shoving celery up his ass and strutting out naked in front of them making bird noises. Its humor is more 4chan than Blazing Saddles. But by God, I laughed harder at MacGruber than at any movie since Superbad. And (dare I say it?) I think it's actually smarter than most people give it credit for.

Just...go with me on that one.

It's Shockin' Time!

So, as an edit to my recent post on the sexual habits of pirate Rangers, I have to point out that he is not doing The Shocker as I originally feared/hoped/realized. He is doing what I can only describe as The Sex Ender, because if you try putting two fingers in a girl's bum, you'll find your bed empty real fast.

Go-go Shocker Rangers!

So, I was perusing Hobby Link Japan, one of my favorite websites for Gundam models and other Japanese collectibles. Annnd I came across this figure, from the newest Japanese incarnation of Power Rangers (known as Super Sentai in Japan). The picture that displays with the figure reveals something rather shocking:

Did you spot it?

Hint: he's giving The Shocker. With his fingers. That's why I said "shocking". Up there, before I posted the picture. Alluding to-

Anyway, the series is apparently pirate-themed. And I like how Wikipedia says, "...and as the 35th anniversary series, the protagonists have access to the powers of the previous 34 Super Sentai teams." Like...fucking, of course they do. Why wouldn't they? All 35th incarnations of things do. 


Power Rangers plus pirates is a gold mine waiting to be unearthed. Just gonna put this out there, though, I would totally watch a Power Rangers porn parody where they could only defeat villains with liberal application of The Shocker.

Hustler! You heard it here first.