Thursday, May 2, 2013

Help Me I Don't Even What Is This: "Neon Genesis Evangelion"


So I'm starting a new column. I think of myself as a film person, but there are plenty of “classic” film and TV series that I haven't seen. Lawrence of Arabia, The West Wing, The Adventures of Ford McFarlane: never seen 'em. So, as a combination personal journey/excuse to write, I'm going to watch, every week or so, a “classic” and review it.

Now, if you read this blog, you know I loves me some giant robots. I'm all about that Gundam shit, and I love Macross too, as well as more obscure stuff like Dragon's Heaven. But I'd never seen Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Which is weird, because I love schoolgirls!
Neon Genesis Evangelion is arguably the most influential anime of all time, next to Mobile Suit Gundam. If MSG is Japan's Star Trek, NGE is its Twin Peaks, a mindfuck series full of dense symbolism. Superficially, it's about a teenage boy who is coerced by his distant and emotionally abusive father into piloting a giant bioengineered cyborg to defeat aliens known as “Angels” that are attacking what's left of humanity. And for the first half of the series, that's all it is. Every episode is a different battle against whatever weird abomination is coming for humanity this week. But around the halfway point, the series begins to turn inescapably depressing and intense. Monster-of-the-Week battles give way to a razor-sharp deconstruction of the mecha genre and a brutal dismantling of the psyches of the main characters as their every flaw and trauma are analyzed.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

This Movie's Underrated - "2010: The Year We Make Contact"


Awwww jyeah, son. Barring Outland, basically every movie I've reviewed in this column has been seen as indefensible by a number of people. But this is a whole other animal. 2001: A Space Odyssey isn't just a classic, isn't just a great movie. It's a turning point in the sci-fi genre. It's a cultural touchstone. It practically created the media trope of a computer gone mad, and its effects can be felt today, even down to its production design. Apple based the aesthetics of damn near every product it's ever released on the clean, sterile white and black of the Discovery, and even named the iPod after the globular rides of Bowman and Poole.

2001 is nebulous, dense, sparing, and does a tango over the line between style and substance. It asks the biggest questions of all: are we alone in the universe? Who made us what we are? And where the hell are we going next?

And what the HELL is a "bush baby"!?

Friday, April 19, 2013

The Lords of Suck: Or How I Learned To Stop Watching and Walk Out of the Theater


I've never walked out of a movie before. Seriously, not once. Not during The Covenant, not during The Chronicles of Riddick, not even during Master of Disguise. Some of the bad movies I've seen, like The Covenant, are at least fun to make fun of. Plus, each movie had their redeeming qualities. And you've read on this blog before that I consider several movies to be underrated that others would write off immediately. At the very least, I consider them worthy of examination, if only to find out what went wrong.

Picture unrelated.

I'm not sure anything went wrong with Lords of Salem, the newest film by Rob Zombie. I'm sure everything went exactly according to the way he wanted it to go. But that's the biggest problem. And that's why I walked out.

THIS SUMMER...The Hamburglar has had ENOUGH

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Batman Returns

Actually, Champagne and Fart Jokes returns.

At the behest of my good friend Carrie, I've been encouraged to begin contributing to this blog again. Suffice it to say, if you've been a huge CAFJ fan, this is also for you.

As for where I've been the past couple months, let's just say that my real-person job has rapidly become a quagmire of 'Nam proportions, but that an end is in sight. In any case, I feel like I owe you all a couple laughs to make up for my long absence, and before I can really buckle down and hammer out some good articles. So without further ado, I present Real Kenny Rogers Quotes. For best results, imagine Will Sasso as Kenny Rogers reading them:



"A GELATTO IS WHEN CHOCOLATE JELLO AND VANILLA JELLO HAVE A BABY."

"The Easter Bunny ain't real, but tooth fairies sure as hell are. And by "tooth fairies", I mean "burglars".

"Pandas don't like fucking, or something. For more, read my book, 'Hell's Wrong With Pandas?' by Kenny Rogers."

"Of course, the danger of flying upside down is, the wings have the opposite effect and you start tunneling into the earth."

"How about I fuck your mother? Then we'll see who's the dumb bastard."

"If you ever get a narwhal and a platypus next to each other, it's weird; all they do is look at each other and nod."

"Hunting people? I thought the most dangerous game was playing tennis with dynamite and a racket taped to your dick."

"Remember kids, reading is like a drug, in that it makes you feel great."

"Parka. I don't know, something about that word just pisses me off. Parka."

"If you're gonna bop bunnies on the head, you GOTTA do it the first time, otherwise, they adapt."

"If honey is bee's poop, and we eat honey, maybe there's some animal living in the sewers that eats our poop. Maybe it built them, for better poop delivery."

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

This is the legacy of the government and corporations.

This is what they're willing to stoop to:


When are we going to give those motherfuckers what for?

This is it, folks.

I know I haven't written in a while.

I've been busy working at my internship (which could soon be morphing into a real job, fingers crossed). But I felt compelled to write today, because of two stories in the news. The first is about how the very stealthy and not-well-publicized crackdowns on Occupy Wall Street were being coordinated by the FBI and the DHS.

The second is about how the government is apparently ganging up on the opponents of the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) by stacking the hearings with a 5 to 1 ratio of pro-SOPA speakers vs. anti-SOPA speakers. The government apparently is so afraid of people hearing how profoundly retarded their arguments are that they're turning up the volume to drown out dissenters.

People, this is it. This is the flash-point.

Call me crazy, but I feel like this historical node is where we stop the downward spiral into a very cleverly disguised police state, or where we forever resign ourselves to being ruled, subjugated, and shat upon by the rich and powerful of the planet.

There are two things we need to do right now: we need to fight back. And, whether we succeed or fail, we need to remember.

What do I mean by "remember"? Well, the wonderful thing about this era is that we have access to more information technology than ever before. We are more capable of recording events, opinions, facts, and data than any civilization in history.

So whether or not we fail to stem the hungry, stirring police state still in its infancy, we must remember exactly what sequence of events brought us to this point, so that we may avert that sequence and like ones for all time. It started with 9/11, I think. Or at least this recent stage was catalyzed by it. It drove people to seek comfort, made them crazy with paranoia. They gladly gave up rights and freedoms, gave up even watching their governments if it meant being able to sleep soundly. It was like Watergate had never happened, and we forgot how terribly corrupt a government (by its definition, formed from people who seek power) can be.

And there were those that cried, "They will come for us one day! Today it's the Muslims, but we'd better keep in line!" People equate Obama and Bush with Hitler, but the truth of the matter is, Hitler was a stooge. It was the apparatus he created for policing and subjugating his population that was his true genius. "When they came for the Muslims, I said nothing, for I was not a Muslim." And so on. They were content to keep up appearances by harassing "terrorists", but the second we stepped out of line, we became "terrorists" too. The second we threatened to upset the wealthy's control on this country, the gloves came off like that. So at least we know we're doing something right, which is nice.

But we need to remember...we need to burn every second into our memories, every promise the government made that these laws were for our "safety", every twist and distortion of the Occupy message by a media clenched in the iron fist of business. We need to remember every lie, and every truth. So that if we succeed, we will know how not to let it happen again. And if we fail, our children and our children's children will know what it was like to live, if not free, than more free. And they will know the path back to those days, so that they may rise up forever, never ceasing to fight.

And that's number two on the list: fight. With words, with tweets, with fists, guns, grenades if needed. The problem is, those in power (and especially the police and law enforcement) at the end of the day speak one language: power. In the case of law enforcement, which is delightedly learning them commie pregnant women and veterans to protest peacefully, their entire existence is based on the threat or exercise of violence: violence against the body (guns, billy clubs) and against the very nature of the human soul (incarceration, degradation).

So at the end of the day, violence is really the only language they understand. Let's be honest, the job attracts sociopaths. If you put out a wanted ad: "Wanted--person to hold a position of power over everyone in the country; gets to order people around all day, threaten them with violence or imprisonment, only token lip-service to 'upholding the law' needed; fellow officers may cover for you even if you break the law and are a generally terrible person". What the hell kind of person do you THINK would go for that job?

Now, it has to be said, although I love a good fight, I really wish it doesn't come down to violence. But if we sit back and let them put veterans in comas and mace people who are peacefully protesting in designated zones, we will be teaching them only that they can ram their fucking dick down our throats and we will do nothing but sit there and whimper as they thrust.

Instead, we need to bite off that dick.

I've heard of OWS protesters arming themselves. I don't like it, but it may be necessary. Those in power will always try to rewrite history, especially if it proves them wrong. So, though Jefferson said that dissent is the highest form of patriotism, expect that message to be corrupted, forgotten, or re-purposed in the coming struggle. Ironically, as butthurt as the Tea Party was about Obama taking their guns, it may be the very government apparatus they wanted from the Patriot Act that take them away, lest they actually get up the courage to strike back against an increasingly totalitarian government.

It doesn't help that we still have more to lose than almost any other country. That makes everyone less eager to take chances, to risk their lives or their livelihoods. But we don't want to stand around hesitating until we're holding a nation-wide reenactment of 1984. We want to arrest the downward spiral now. If that means debate and legal redress, thank God. But if that means fighting in the streets...if a little blood shed now will prevent a reign of blood and tears later...

...then lock and load. And may God have mercy on us all.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011